THE WAR AGAINST CARBS

This is a war unlike any other raging in the world today- It’s not like Syria, Gaza, Somalia the Ukraine, or of course that pesky, hard to define group, ISIS. But its soldiers are perhaps just as dedicated and disciplined, because this war is about what we stuff into our mouths.

And for many Americans, perpetually on a diet, or looking for the next best way to shed pounds, this war is serious stuff: it has put many people (particularly on both coasts) on high alert.

So what are the targets of this war?

1. Bread.

2. Pizza.

3. Bagels.

4. Potatoes.

5. Sweets,  including cake and all pastries.

6. Almost anything that tastes good.

7. And all snack foods derived from the above.

Do you want to fight in this war? That is the burning question of the day. Here are some things to consider before you enlist:

1. It’s a blood oath, so prepare for a little pain.

2. Are you really prepared to give up that bagel with a shmear?

3. Will you start breathing heavily every time that you pass your favorite pizza shop?

4. If you move to, say, Ohio, the war is like over. It doesn’t exist there.

5. You will have solidarity with a lot of skinny, white, blonde women who live on Park Avenue.

6. If you join this war, you have pretty much agreed to the notion that “you are what you eat.”

7. Eating “organic” just doesn’t cut it anymore.

8. You’ve probably had more than your fair share of kale salads.

9. You will be forever barred from The Sullivan Street bakery.

10.You can’t take advantage of The Olive Garden’s new $100 promotion: all the pasta you can eat in seven days.